Why are you so quiet?

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When you have been a boisterous person, most of your life, it comes as a surprise to most people around you, when you decide to dial down the verbal diarrhoea one fine day. Are you in a bad mood? Are you feeling low? Or worse, are you mad at me? The answer to all of the above is a NO. In fact, the answer is – I am at peace. I still make nonsensical jokes and laugh like I am chocking around people I am most comfortable with. But what I do not do anymore is fill the silence with just about anything.

Earlier, for some reason I felt the burden to be the friendly one in a one-on-one chat, or one that breaks the ice at a dinner party with a bunch of new people. Be the one who takes interest in other people and asks questions. Dale Carnegie would be so proud! But lately, I no longer feel the need to carry the weight of social awkwardness and remedy it in a jiffy by starting a discussion and compelling the other person to talk.

Lately, I have realized that I draw most of my energy from doing things I enjoy doing at my pace and not from the human drama. The one-up-manship in an argumentative conversation is just plain exhausting and so is blaming the economy, the weather and the greedy politicians for everything that is wrong with the world today. What I enjoy is discussing creative ideas, the next phase of my work, taking a walk, reading a book or watching The Big Bang Theory. My mind is creatively challenged all the time and being right about something silly in a group of people is redundant. The absolute truth does not need my backing and the relative one is just one spectrum.

My recent trip to the beautiful land of Pondicherry, a French town nestled in the midst of Tamil Nadu, gave me a new perspective on a lot of things. If you are truly happy and peaceful, there is absolutely no need to propagate it. Don’t get me wrong – I still shop a lot, wear make-up and lose my head if someone’s crawling on my nerves. But I don’t yearn for even 10 percent validation from random Joe’s around me.

Maybe I am feeling more loved by me and the handful of people I choose to be around (and hopefully they choose to be around me too) or maybe I am slowly and gladly drifting away from small talk and turning into a social pariah (lol). Either way, I am still at peace.

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